This nonsense over the white kid and the Native American man in D.C. this past Saturday is shameful. I can’t believe I’m about to “weigh in” on this, but here we are. And before we begin, I’m not giving my take on who was right or wrong in the confrontation. I don’t know because (weird fact) I wasn’t there. And neither were 99% of the folks yelling and screaming about it across all forms of media. We are like chimps throwing shit at each other for no reason.
Remember in 2016 when they killed that gorilla in a zoo because a kid fell into its habitat? Remember how everyone in the universe was suddenly an expert on gorilla behavior, and parenting techniques and failures, and animal rights, and human rights, and the onus on zoos, and parents, and fucking Jane Goodall chimed in? Remember that? I didn’t comment on that fucking fiasco either, even though I had plenty of opinions, because (weird fact) I wasn’t there. And also? Opinions are like assholes, guys. Facts, on the other hand, are like vaginas, beautiful and magical and filled with wonder.
After I watched “Won’t You Be My Neighbor” (which how that didn’t get nominated for an Oscar I will NEVER understand), I took a major step back from my consumption of news and social media. You know that thing they use in a lot of documentaries where there’s a cacophony of noise (like, overlapping news clips, or whatever) that builds and builds and then suddenly goes quiet? That’s how it felt in my mind after I watched “Won’t You Be My Neighbor.” I felt like I had been standing INSIDE a speaker and the world was just yelling in my direction. Not about me (thank goddess), but just AT me. Everyone’s an expert and everyone has to be heard. Something Fred’s widow said about how she thought he might have felt about the world today broke my will to keep listening to the din. I don’t remember it exactly but she was basically like, “This shit is fucked, you guys. He kept trying and trying to make a difference, but, like, did he?” Something like that. Like, he had already been doubting his impact and then he died and the world is 8 million times more garbagey than it was when he died.
Did you know that in 2007 Fox News, that beacon of reason and critical thinking accused Mr. Rogers of ruining an entire generation by telling them he was special? Guys. I can’t. I didn’t even like Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood when I was growing up, and I’m pretty fucking special, you guys. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Mr. Roger’s telling me I was special that made me know I was special.
You can watch the clip here, if you feel the need to punish yourself today. I recommend you don’t if you want your brains to stay on the inside of your skull. But, I thought you should be aware that this is the kind of thing we have become. If you’re not already aware of it. And if you’re not…honestly, read a book. Just like, one book. Start with this one.
Anyway, the way I ingested and internalized the message of “Won’t You Be My Neighbor” was, “I have to stop paying attention to the constant negativity.” Even the comedians I follow on Twitter use their platform to comment on politics, so it wasn’t even like I was getting a reprieve from them (not that I had been looking to politically aware comedians to bring me a reprieve). And there are only so many cute puppy videos one can watch before one remembers that the world is on fire and you’re sitting in your bed with your thumb up your ass watching ANOTHER cute puppy video and then you have to take a nap because the guilt is overwhelming (and let’s not address the worse guilt you’ll feel when you wake up from the nap and realize the world is still on fire and you are napping from guilt…).
So, I took a major step back. I have tried mightily to keep my asshole to myself, if you know what I mean. No one needs to deal with my asshole except for me and my proctologist (therapist). And even though it is now an established scientific FACT that Donald Trump is the dumbest, most hateful, disgusting, racist, sexist, homophobe, transphobe, micro-dicked (not that there’s anything wrong with that), fucking hideous worm of a subhuman, I don’t need to weigh in on every dumbass, hateful, racist, sexist, etc, etc, thing he says or does because there are PLENTY of people already doing that. My feelings about him have already been stated for the record and only change insofar as they intensify over time and therefore don’t need to be repeated. And I don’t need to listen to him, or pay too much attention to whatever monstrous thing he’s saying or doing today because I’m already doing what I can on a daily basis to make the world a better place (I could probably do more, but right now, raising a boy to not be a garbage monster, occasionally speaking out about women’s and LGBTQ+ rights, while also putting food on the table, and a roof over our heads, and trying to take the reigns of my career back from whoever I gave them to a while ago (I forgot who, so it’s hard to know where to look), feels like about all I can manage at the moment). Anyway, the point is, I don’t feel the need to voice or seek out opinions about every god damn thing that happens. And honestly, I think we would all be better off if we did the same. I am the paragon of mental health, after all…
I wonder what Mr. Rogers would have thought about this past weekend’s events and the following shitstorm of indignation from every corner of the universe. I have a feeling he would have been like, “Guys, guys! What the fuck have I been saying for literally DECADES? Literally everyone shut the fuck up and talk one at a time and LISTEN to each other! What the fuck?” Only, way more delicately and with fewer ‘fucks.’ Though, honestly, at this point, who knows? Who fucking knows.
Okay, so. I was introduced to the MAGA kid (Sandmann)/Native American Man (Phillips) Debacle of 2019 on Instagram when I saw a picture of said MAGA kid next to a picture of a scrunch-faced Brett Kavanaugh in a “20 year challenge” meme. Then I saw a thing about republicans thinking kneeling during the National Anthem is offensive toward vets but the Sandmann/Phillips incident wasn’t even though the Phillips is a vet. I am ASHAMED to say I Googled the situation, read something about it (I don’t remember where) and added the meme to my Inststories. Thank the fake lord above that Instastories are ephemeral and it isn’t up anymore. And please consider this my official apology.
The FIRST video I watched was just Phillips and Sandmann in their face off. And I will admit I was confused about what the uproar was about. What I saw was a white kid (who I assumed was a frat boy because that is, honestly, what they all look like in my head) in a MAGA hat smirking or smiling while a Native American Elder drummed and chanted very close to his face. That’s all I saw. I didn’t see any mocking or disrespect from either camp.
So, I sought out more videos to get a fuller picture because I thought, there is no way people are this upset about this minute and a half video of a these two people standing there (It turns out that IS initially what people were so upset about). This is OBJECTIVELY what I saw from the three versions of this thing I’ve now watched:
A group of white boys in MAGA hats were standing on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. A group of black men (identified by various sources as Black Hebrew Israelites) approached them and exchanged what sounded like heated words ( I couldn’t hear what was being said). The MAGA kids started yelling. One of them (inexplicably) strips down to his boxers and starts jumping up and down and grunting (?). Phillips approaches the groups, while the MAGA kids appear to be mocking Native American culture with chopping gestures and chanting sounds. The MAGA kids begin to back up as Phillips and his group approach. Phillips and Sandmann find themselves face-to-face, while Phillips drums and chants. Sandmann says nothing. He appears to be either smirking or smiling. They remain like this for a good minute or more. At one point there is some yelling going on behind Sandmann’s shoulder which I haven’t seen an angle of. Sandmann looks at whoever is yelling, and appears to make a “cut it out” or “don’t engage” gesture to whoever he’s looking at.
That’s it, guys. That’s it. Why the fuck are we all whipping our dicks out and comparing this kid to Brett fucking Kavanaugh? The former is a child who appears to be doing and saying a lot of nothing, the latter is a fucking garbage human who was accused of sexual assault. Come on.
Have you ever had a run in with the Black Hebrew Israelites? They are not fucking pleasant. Not. Pleasant. They used to proselytize near Times Square when I was in high school. I got into a screaming match with them once when they implied that my dead mother was burning in hell. It was terrifying. You know when you’re terrified and the adrenaline starts pumping and your brain gets fuzzy? That’s how I felt. Phillips, in his own account, said that the stand off between the MAGA kids and the Black Hebrew Israelites was going on for an hour. Can you imagine the amount of adrenaline (not to mention Cortisol and Testosterone) that was pumping through everyone’s veins? And those were children. Their brains aren’t anywhere near done growing. And, sorry to say it, but judging from what I know of catholic school education, they are probably not the best educated kids anyone has ever encountered. By a long shot. They think the earth was created 6000 years ago, for fake god’s sake. It’s not like they’re models of critical thinking.
So Phillips says he approached the groups in an attempt to defuse the situation. He claims that Sandmann wouldn’t get out of his way, however, from several angles, it is clear that there is room for Phillips to go around Sandmann, and it doesn’t look like Sandmann is aggressively trying to block Phillips. He doesn’t appear to say anything. He just doesn’t move. He remains where he’s standing, which is literally his right and completely not against the law or even disrespectful, and he smirks. Or smiles.
The kids around Sandmann are acting like fucking dicks. There is little debate. I mean, you could argue that they weren’t doing racist chopping motions (??), and that the chants they were doing were school chants, but that seems…implausible. But Phillips himself says he never heard anyone chant “build the wall” or “wall.” And as far as anyone can see (or at least me with my own eyes and brain), the worst thing Sandmann did to Phillips was smirk. And he didn’t even do that TO Phillips. One can’t smirk to someone. One can smirk at someone. Also? Was Phillips wearing anything that identified his as a vet? If someone smirks at someone they don’t know is a vet, are they disrespecting a vet? Maybe he was? And even then, a smirk is basically most 16-year-old boys resting expression.
Look, I’m not arguing that Sandmann is a great guy. I’m also not arguing that he’s the enemy. True, he’s wearing an offensive hat that suggests his politics are shitty, to say the least. True, he was at a “right to life” (whatever the fuck he thinks that means) march. I am arguing that he is a child who was in a stressful situation, whose brain was probably not firing on all cylinders and that, given those factors, I think he did okay. We have no idea what was going through his mind in those minutes where he squared off with Phillips. NO IDEA. For all we know he was thinking, “Holy shit, what is happening? I’m feeling the spirit! I’m having an awakening! I see the light! EVERYONE IS EQUAL! WE SHOULD BUILD BRIDGES, NOT WALLS! Also, it’s literally none of my business what a woman does with her body.” And I know he has issued a statement and been interviewed on whatever shows, so in retrospect we might know what was going through his mind, or what he claims was going through his mind. But all anyone knew when they were screaming about punching him in the face and comparing him to Brett fucking Kavanaugh was that he was “smirking” at an older man who was playing the drum very close to him and staring at him.
Personally, if anyone should get punched in the face over this, it’s whoever was “chaperoning” these children. That guy sucks. Also, the Black Hebrew Israelites deserve a swift kick in the pants. And Fox news. And Trevor Noah. And me for hitting “share” on that meme.
So, if anyone is interested in my asshole, I think we would all benefit from slowing the fuck down, USING OUR BRAINS, and not flattening everyone out in caricatures of human beings. Unless it’s Donald Trump or Mitch McConnel who are literally caricatures of human beings.
Go watch “Won’t You Be My Neighbor.”
Never forget how special you are.
Let’s all be less like assholes and more like vaginas is what I’m saying, ultimately.