Notes from the Road
Part Eight: Cleveland
Yesterday was no good.
I haven’t been sleeping well. I’ve been getting to sleep past 3 a.m. and spending the few hours of sleep I do get tossing and turning. Even with a beer and a Xanax, my brain is like, “Psst. Psst. Hey. Hey, you. Hey, Daisy. What are you going to do with the rest of your life? Let’s figure that out right now.”
I haven’t unpacked. I used the fact that I only have four drawers in my room as an excuse, but why would I need more than four drawers? But also, the drawers are under the platform bed, so, you know, bending down. Instead, my three suitcases are just overflowing everywhere. That’s my solution.
I’ve just kind of given up with Cleveland. I think when it snowed a couple days after we got here I was like, that’s it. This is the winter of my discontent and it will never end.
Yesterday was Ryan’s birthday. I bought them an early birthday present before we went to Palm Springs, and I sent them copious amounts of cheese and accoutrements for their party the night before, but I hadn’t mailed their card, yet, and I think I was feeling generally awful that I couldn’t be there with them.
I try to be respectful of Ryan and Sam’s time when I know they’re together. Very early on, Ryan and Sam came to see the show when we were still in Seattle. After the show Sam went home, and Ryan came out for a beer with me. Sam realized she was disappointed that Ryan hadn’t come home with her, and she let Ryan know that. I couldn’t drive Ryan home fast enough. I practically threw them out of the car. I know there’s not a hierarchy, but I try to imagine how I would feel if my partner’s partner kept wiggling in on my time with them. So, generally when Ryan and Sam are together, I try to back off, and generally that’s completely okay. It’s comforting for me to know that Ryan has someone there, especially because I don’t live in Seattle and I have no interest in being there for someone 100% of the time.
Also, we were texting yesterday afternoon, and I knew they were planning on a hike, but it was getting late in the day, so I asked about it, and Ryan said they got a late start, and I instantly thought, THEY WERE HAVING AFTERNOON SEX! And I wanted to pull my comforter into the closet and curl up in a ball and never come out.
This, again, is out of keeping with my usual feelings. Normally I’m like, fuck away! But for some reason, yesterday it hit me different.
I took three melatonin last night. So determined to fall asleep at a reasonable hour, was I. And somewhere around 11:45 I realized I felt awful that I hadn’t called Ryan. I kind of tried to reach out and felt weird about it. Ryan, in typical Ryan fashion, was like, Hell yes! I’d love to talk! And the next thing I know it’s 3:30 in the morning and I’m wiping drool off my face and looking at texts from Ryan that are like, Hey, I’m home! … Baby? … Oh, I guess you’re asleep. I got up to pee and tripped over a sneaker I’d left exactly where I’d taken it off.
Yesterday was no good.