Hey! Guess who woke us up three times between 5:30 a.m. and 8 a.m.? Can you guess? Can you?
Did you guess right?
You're so smart!
But did you guess that he also diarrheaed all over the bathroom?
Not so smart now, huh? Huh? Huh?!
I'm really sorry. I didn't get much sleep.
I'm drinking tiny bottles of Dewer's like some kind of... person who drinks tiny bottles of Dewer's.
I did the Keith and The Girl show today. It was slightly unsettling. One of the first questions he asked me was about my #ShoutYourAbortion tweet. I wasn't expecting it and it turns out he's Catholic and he said something about not respecting the first heartbeat and I just didn't know I was going to be having that conversation. And then we got into it about Kim Davis and the pope. So that was fun.
Also, it was in Astoria which I haven't been to since I slept with the guy I cheated on my husband with and I am literally the worst person on the planet. Anyway, Astoria has gotten pretty tony. There's, like, microbrewery places and some such nonsense. Back when I was wearing my scarlet letter Astoria was old Greek ladies with opaque panty hose. And it all smelled like goat.
I'm watching Scream Queens and TV just confuses me and makes me feel old. Speaking of which, does anyone know how anyone listens to music these days? Like, when people are on the subway listening to music where is it coming from? I have an Android and I literally have no idea where music is supposed to be on it. How do I put music on it? Also, I somehow managed to fuck up downloading all my cds and now I have no Beastie Boys. But even if I did have Beastie Boys I wouldn't know where they were. I'd be like, "Okay Google, play Paul's Boutique." "Hello, Google?" "Okay, phone." "Hello? Go!" "OKAY! GO!" And then my phone would start playing sweater rock from the mid-2000s. Do you see? That being said, Scream Queens is pretty good.
Here's where I spout my brilliance.