Notes from the Road
Part Two: DC
I'm sorry if the formatting on this post is garbage. Technology is at once the bane and savior of my existence.
I’ve been struggling with a serious case of writer’s block due mostly to low grade depression and generally feeling overwhelmed. The holidays were a lot. My family came out to Seattle to celebrate with us. It was good to see them, but I always get stressed when I’m with my family. I was so happy to get to spend extra time with Monty, but it was tinged with the knowledge that I would be leaving again soon. It’s hard to stay in the moment.
Also, I fell in love.
I’ve been having weird feelings about admitting that publicly because those of you who know me or follow me on social media know that I fell in love this summer and that blew up in my face. The Internet trolls who live in my head are going, “Really, Daisy? You fell in love again?” You would think, after that last debacle, that I would have built a fortress around my heart. What can I say? I’m gay. And my heart remains open despite every indication that it shouldn’t.
We met on OKCupid. It was supposed to be a casual, while-I’m-in-town kind of thing. A one off. But the one off turned into a two-off, which turned into a three-off, which turned into a date, which turned into a sleep over, and you know how the rest goes. Basically, it’s my fault for having such good taste. History notwithstanding…
Ryan is one of the most enthusiastic, positive, open-hearted people I have ever known. I sometimes worry that we are too opposite in the way we see the world. They are eternally optimistic and hopeful, where I have kind of given up on humanity. They are kind and generous and trusting where I am like, “What are you trying to get out of me?” They’re like a puppy where I am like an old, fat, house cat who is just fucking over your bullshit.
But they love me.
Ryan is by far the most complimentary person I have ever dated. And it always seems genuine. For someone like me who generally thinks people have ulterior motives, it’s been a bit of an adjustment to be complimented so frequently and whole-heartedly without being suspicious. They told me I have cheekbones for days, for crying out loud. In my 38+ years on this planet, no one has ever commented on my cheekbones.
Also, not for nothing, Ryan is hot as fuck.
Ryan is married to a wonderful (as far as I can tell so far) woman named Sam. Sam sent me a beautiful Facebook message when I got to DC welcoming me into the group. I saw the message pop up and my I-was-raised-in-a-repressive-patriarchy-where-I-was-trained-to-treat-other-women-as-the-enemy radar went off, so it was a pleasant surprise to be so warmly welcomed.
I have theoretical experience with Polyamory, having studied it for my own edification about 10 years ago, but this is my first real practical experience with it. It has been a remarkable experience. I’m reading More Than Two and finding that most of the suggestions they give for how to be ethically Polyamorous should apply to anyone regardless of how many or how few people they chose to love. Mostly it’s about learning about your own needs and how to advocate for yourself, and how to take care of yourself without expecting other people to do it for you. For example, last week, Ryan and I got to video chat every night of the week because Sam had plans, so on Monday night I didn’t find out until late that Sam and Ryan would be home together that night and I had a bunch of feelings about it. I think if I had allowed myself to go with my kneejerk reaction I would have said that I was jealous of Sam and angry at Ryan for choosing her over me. But after probably half a minute of reflection I realized I wasn’t jealous or angry. After all, Sam is Ryan’s wife and they live together. I know that. That’s the arrangement I’ve entered into. I suppose that doesn’t mean I can’t be jealous ever. But that wasn’t what was going on. I just realized that I was disappointed because I had expectations and assumptions that were wrong. So, I took a minute to let myself be sad and then I thought about what I needed to feel better and I asked Ryan to let me know ahead of time in the future when they weren’t going to be free in the evening so that I can manage my expectations. And, y’all, that’s just a good lesson in life.
Needless to say, after my last experience with my ex who got freaked out when Kurt bought me a t-shirt, or if I even mentioned the fact of his existence, being with someone who understands that multiple kinds of relationships can be had simultaneously is not only welcome, but it necessary. Kurt and I are in each other’s lives. As far as I’m concerned, it’s not just out of obligation, but out of love and connection. Moving forward, the people we chose to have in our lives are going to have to not only respect that, but welcome it joyfully.
Okay. That was not what I was thinking I was going to write about when I sat down today. Life is a journey, huh, people?
Barack and Michelle Obama came to the show last night. You know, just fyi. BARACK AND MICHELLE OBAMA CAME TO THE SHOW FOR MICHELLE’S BIRTHDAY. No, we didn’t get to meet them. But for 95 minutes I was in the same building as Barack and Michelle Obama. It’s probably just as well I didn’t meet them. I would have started crying and then I probably would have been carted away.
This morning it was announced that our Idiot in Chief is making it legal for healthcare professionals to deny services to people on religious grounds.
This feels good. I’m glad I did it. I keep telling myself I should go for a walk, but it’s tits cold out and fuck that. The truth of the matter is, I like being in bed. Whether I’m sleeping, writing, reading, having sex, or live-tweeting The L Word, bed is where I’m happiest and it’s time for me to embrace that fact and feel good about it. Thanks for being in bed with me.